The Work Hiatus

I'm not working at the moment and it's starting to drive me insane.

Eventually, I'll be freelancing for the Journal and hopefully a few other publications. But in China, a journalist must have a special visa to work and I don't have it yet; I'm trying to start the process of getting one, with the Journal as my sponsoring publication, but it's a dicey and fickle gauntlet that  takes several months for many reporters and editors. 

So while Scott goes off to work each day, I find myself in a weird position of housewife/cat-mother/newcomer. And I have absolutely no clue what to do.

There are mornings where I want to relish this "time off;" during my hectic weeks in New York, particularly leading up to the move, a day with nothing to do would've sounded incredible. But now, these days seem to almost be taunting me. I know I should set a schedule, get up and workout, do some laundry, check e-mails and start looking for freelance work, explore a new store or park, practice Mandarin (which I'm finally starting).



But I've found myself almost paralyzed, not sure what to do or what my purpose is at the moment. With work there was always a feeling of usefulness, of urgency, of jamming in every possible activity and errand I could within a day. Now, I have all this time. Do I just busy myself, making up things to do? Or do I try and sit uncomfortably with the down time and find some peace in it, something that's never been easy for me to do?

I find myself daydreaming about what I would do with this time in New York. I'd walk in Central Park, grab a coffee at Joe, take a Flywheel class, shop at Century 21, meet up with friends for a cocktail, wander around MOMA. Here, I find myself just sitting on the couch in the apartment, sometimes walking around in circles and not getting dressed until 5 pm. I know this isn't normal and I want to snap out of it, but I'm not sure exactly how to go about normalcy here -- or what a normal schedule is, and will be, for that matter.

In several months, I hope to be busy with work assignments, having to juggle invites from friends to do things, making sure Scott and I get enough "us" time. But right now there's none of that. And these days with nothing to do, or my lack of filling them, is a constant reminder what life was once like.